Bound.

A season of hurt. Pain. Sleepless nights. Depression. Worries. Things happening outside of my control. The last five months I have been bound. But I am writing today, free in Jesus, no longer bound to the chains of anxiety. Just purely free in Jesus. And it is so amazing. This season of life has absolutely changed my world, and I cannot wait to share part of the story with you. Because God is really cool, and I just can't not share what He is doing in my life. I know He has put this on my heart to share, and with lots and lots of nervousness, I know I can stand confident because Jesus will pour out His words through this post. 

Mornings like this are few and far between. I so wish they were every day. Cozy, coffee in hand, wrapped up in a quilt, rainy weather, and just having my time with Jesus. Most mornings are so rushed, and ones like these are so precious and valued. I was going to finish reading in Romans, but I opened up my Bible and the pages opened to Isaiah 41. In the moment I realized that THIS is what I needed to read today. God just opened up His Word, and it was simply amazing. 

"Listen to Me in silence." These were the first words in verse 1. Everyone knows how bubbly and talkative I typically am, and God just silenced me with His words. I need to learn what it means to be a woman with a quiet spirit. So I sat and listened. Later in verse 10 the words FEAR NOT jumped out to me and just froze. Time seemed to stop, and the word "fear" brought back so many painful days and nights. Since I was teeny tiny, I was afraid of the dark. Terrified that a monster really was under my bed somewhere, and I would lay paralyzed in bed with fear that he would come out and eat me. Silly, silly I know. But that "monster" has turned into so many other things I have grown older. The monster of not knowing what tomorrow looks like, or, the monster of  failure, and so many other things still lurks in the dark as I toss and turn at night, not even knowing what sleep feels like anymore. I won't go into every detail, but this is what most of the last half of 2013 looked like for me.

 As I realized that I had a real struggle with anxiety, I also realized that my days were going to look a lot longer for a long time and I had a very weary journey ahead of me. A lot of things contributed to my anxiety. A situation that turned my world upside down and made me question who I was happened. My plans were dashed. My future that I had planned was absolutely slaughtered. I had everything under control, and then God came and reminded me how small, frail, and fickle I am on my own. I began a journey of discovering who God really is. I knew I was a believer, that Jesus had saved me so miraculously, but God was testing me on a level that I had never experienced. He stripped everything away from me and left me with nothing but Himself. And that was it. He was leading me through the "valley of the shadow of death," and the next part of the verse says "and I will fear no evil." But all I could see was fear. It was as if I had a bag over my head and someone was telling me to walk in a straight line. Everything felt impossible and I knew I had failed. Big time. So I chose to let the anxiety flood my body. Take me captive. And I was bound.

The journey has not been easy, that is most definitely for sure. But words like I read this morning were of such comfort, I can't help but just get really excited when I read them. Because in the past few months, a lot has happened. Forgiveness. Faith. and Freedom. These three words can pretty much sum up the last couple of weeks for me. I remember sitting in the parking lot of the Fresh Market, just crying my eyes out because that is where and when God chose to free me. He freed me from bitterness, anger, doubt, unforgiveness, and anxiety all in one sitting. It was one of the most remarkable situations I've ever experienced. All because I chose to open up His Word on my lunch break in a parking lot. Like, say what?!? Yeah. He is so awesome like that. His Word is so powerful.

"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Isaiah 41:10

This verse reminded me of my freedom this morning. Such hope, such sweet promises seep out of these couple of words. He has freed me by His grace. I am no longer bound. He has made beauty out of my ashes. To the praise of His glory.

Knowing that I have been called, carried, chosen, and redeemed changes the whole dynamic of everyday for me. There is so much rejoicing that results from knowing who we are in Jesus. I am finally realizing what it means to have my identity rooted fully in Jesus. I have so much more to learn and grow in, I feel like I've only scratched the surface. Jesus, take me deeper. 

This picture is so powerful for me. I am no longer bound. But the struggle hasn't just vanished into thin air. It is still very real. Very present at times. But it is all about what I do with the struggle. I can choose to take it on, or to simply offer it up to Jesus. Knowing that I am not in control, that He is, and that He will take care of and provide for me. It is just so amazing to know that we have a God that big. A God who knows our tomorrows. And who knows how to turn our ashes into beauty. I can now be free. Free in Jesus. I can dream dreams bigger than me. I can hope in Someone who will always be constant, always be sure, and who will never ever leave me or fail me. I can live with the realization that I have been Redeemed. This is what sets the captive free: Jesus, only Jesus.